I choo choo choose you.

Revelation Monday.  Self acceptance is a choice. 

Just as I chose to lose weight, I have to choose to accept myself.  The weight loss didn’t just happen by itself and neither will the self acceptance.  Also: chosing to live a healthy lifestyle is not a one time deal.  I have to choose it every day.

I gained some weight on my Thanksgiving Vacation.  It scared me.  I tried really hard not to freak out about it.  The way I stopped myself from freaking out was to go limp.  Numb.  Avoid it.  This proved to not be a good strategy as I’ve continued to overeat and not work out since returning from my trip almost a week ago. 

I know that I am not totally screwed or anything.  I haven’t ruined my body or reversed all of my success.  I’m not freaking out THAT much.  It just really bothers me that instead of immediately accepting the situation so that I could have power over it, I buckled.  Instead of treating myself with care and moving forward, I chose not to face myself. 

This is all very humbling.  I’m obviously still capable of losing control.  All I can do is be thankful that I have grown enough to wake up and get back in gear after just 2 weeks of letting my guard down rather than throwing in the towel entirely.  I like to think that I am so changed that I could never go back to being overweight or obese again.  But that isn’t true.  I have to actively CHOOSE to not go back.  And going limp, numb or silent makes it very difficult for me to live a choice-centered life.  It’s in that silence where my self-hatred sneaks in and makes everything much, much worse.

The other thing I’m learning through this experience is that gaining a few pounds will not, in fact, kill me.  Even if it put me back into the overweight zone (which it didn’t even come close to doing), it wouldn’t kill me.  This is probably very obvious to most of you, but speaking as someone who had a very traumatized past with obesity, every pound lost throughout my journey felt like an opportunity to LIVE (more fully, longer, more actively, more joyfully).  So the reverse action (gaining pounds) feels like it will induce the reverse outcome. 

One of my goals was to get myself down to a weight somewhere in the middle of what is healthy for my height/body type so that I could safely fluctuate a bit and still remain in a healthy weight.  I’ve acheived this.  So.  The next goal on my ever-growing list is to learn to NOT WORRY when I do fluctuate. 

Today I choose to live a healthy life.  I choose to make decisions that will keep me on higher ground mentally, phsyically and emotionally.  Today is where my control exists, and I choose to be healthy & happy today.

Also:

Dear Self,

You are the same successful, learning, growing woman whether you track your calories and get your exercise in or not.  If you find that tracking your calories and exercising are good choices, then track your calories and exercise. But you are no less valuable or lovable or capable just because you overate and weren’t very active for a couple of weeks.  Getting back in control and sweating will not make you a more valuable, lovable or capable person.  Stop rating yourself based solely on your behavior.  Take responsability for your self, action and thoughts, and chose how you want to live in this moment and moving forward.

Respectfully,

Amanda

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Not even close. 

I still have a long road ahead of me.  I’ve travelled the weight loss road, and by everyone else’s standards, I’ve already reached the destination.  My weight and BMI began in the obese category and are now firmly healthy & normal.  I understand nutrition.  I eat wholesome foods.  I love exercise.  I make time for it. 

So what’s with the long road?  The long road is the road of acceptance.  I teeter on the edge of the pit of OBSESSION just about every day.  One weekend of eating without counting and enjoying a few martinis, and I am now in a full blown state of obsession.  I had a nightmare last night that I gained 9 pounds.  I woke up in a sweat and weighed myself this morning and saw a number 4 pounds higher than before the weekend.  And then fell into the pit.

My rational mind knows that it’s a normal fluctuation.  I’m intelligent enough to know that I didn’t actually gain 4 pounds of fat in 2 days.  I know enough about my body to know that before my period, I (almost without fail) temporarily “gain” 3-5 pounds of water weight.  I know that I ate way more salt than usual over the weekend, and I know how that makes my body hold onto water.  I know that I worked out every day last week and that I cut my calories down a bit to sprint towards my goal of 136 by Wednesday, and that all of that work cannot be deleted and reversed in 2 days.  I do know these things.  (I also know that if I had actually gained 4 pounds, I would still be healthy and it wouldn’t freaking matter!!!)

But today, I obsessed all day.  I swear I’ve read every article and forum on the internet that discusses water weight, weight fluctuation, pms and weight gain, effects of alcohol on weight, etc.  at least a dozen times.  I re-read it all today. 

And in the interest of full disclosure, I stooped to a new low today and researched water pills and diuretics.  In my defense, I feel that the discomfort I’m experiencing from this current bout of pms-related water retention and bloating justifies the aid of some mild diuretic assistance, but the point is that this is a very fine line I’m walking today.  A very fine line.  

And I recogonize that it’s steaming from my obsessive tendencies.  I set that stupid 136 Before Thanksgiving Goal, and it’s like nothing else in the world exists.  My siblings and Mr. Hubby bore witness to this obsession over the weekend when I broke out in an exercise frenzy late in the night after dinner & drinks when the name of the game was relax & watch a movie. 

I feel I need to be honest about these things.  I’m often more level-headed than this, but these obsessions do still settle in.  They settle in quickly and so intensely that I wore myself out so badly worrying all morning that I fell asleep in my car at the library parking lot on my lunch break.

What I truly want for myself is to be able to see that I’m here.  I’ve done it.  I’m doing it.  Am I a complete and miserable failure for reaching 137.4 instead of 136 by Thanksgiving?  My god, no.  And I do realize how horrifying it sounds to even put a stupid question like that out there.  Especially from a feminist for god’s sakes. 

Sometimes I really think that this has more to do with my obsessiveness than some sort of ill-conceived notion that my weight has anything to do with my value.  I really do get obsessed with the NUMBERS.  The counting.  The calories.  The reps and sets.  The levels on the machines.  The weight resistance.  The number of workouts.   14 baby carrots= 35 calories.  The seconds I hold each stretch.  Even numbers.  The charts.  Projected growth.  Planning.  Scheduling.  Counting everything.

I like the number 136 so much.  “One” because I’m not in the two hundreds anymore.  “Three” because anything in the 130′s for my height is very healthy.  “Six” because it is double 3.  And my pant size (most of the time).  And reaching that specific number on the specific day of 11/23/2011 has taken on a whole life.  And taken over my whole life.

Today, right now, I realize that it has begun to mean more to me than recognizing the absolutely amazing fact that I’m healthy and active and victorious over obesity.  So right this instant, I need to let it go.  It’s arbitrary and I’ve given it the power to take over my very dreams.  I’ve allowed it to take up those precious moments in the night where I could be reunited with my Grandmas, or strolling down the streets of Berlin with Mr. Hubby and Willa Dog. 

It must stop. 

The goal of reaching a healthy weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle?  I’ve hit it.  Get thee behind me, 136. 

Let me be thankful.  Goodness knows I’ve earned it.  Perhaps I’m closer than I think.

How I Did It, Act Two

A short list of some of my most important weight loss advice:

1. I don’t believe in diets.  This is the foundation of my success, and one of the primary reasons I will never go back to where I came from.  Of this I am absolutely certain. I can’t stress this enough.  I truly believe that permanent weight loss hinges on a commitment to living a sustainably healthy life.  Hopping from one diet to the next, eliminating carbs here, eating only soup there, cutting out this or that for a prescribed amount of time–these things are limited commitments.  These things have end dates.  And then what do people do after the end date?  After Phase 1 or 2 or 3?  They don’t know what to do.  They go back to eating how they used to eat, feel bad about it, gain weight, get discouraged and then try something else.  It doesn’t work.  It doesn’t last.  I don’t recommend it. 

2.a. Eating food is my number one suggestion for living a healthy life and losing weight.  Food.  Real Food.  Actual food.  Vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes, nuts, eggs, dairy.  Unprocessed, no hormones, no preservatives, no artificial sweeteners, no added bullshit that you can’t pronounce.  FOOD food.  Where can you find food?  The perimeter of the grocery store, farmers’ markets, your garden, the earth.

2.b. I recognize that it would be difficult to completely eliminate all foods that are not in their original state.  And to do so would feel too much like a “diet.”  So.  What I suggest is building your meals and snacks around food that is as close to its natural state as possible.  Avoid pre-packaged food.  Read the labels carefully when you do buy pre-packaged foods.  Don’t trust health claims– not even “all natural.”  Want more info?  Read this or this.

3. Drink water.  Don’t add anything to it.  Don’t buy it with anything added to it.

4. Count calories.  This proved to be the absolute best, easiest and nearly fool-proof way for me to lose weight.  Calories in vs. Calories out.  It’s science, and though it isn’t an EXACT science, it does work.  I promise to write more about this later, but it’s also very easy to find info about this online or in books.  This is what I use every day to log my calories (both food intake and exercise output).  It’s very simple.  Your body requires a certain number of calories to maintain your weight.  If your daily calorie count is less than that (through cutting food calories and/or expending calories through exercise), you will lose weight.  Plain and simple. 

5. Set yourself up for success.  One of the best ways to do this is to plan ahead.  Example? I keep a bag of almonds in my desk at work at all times.  If I’m crazy hungry and just don’t think I can make it, I know that a dozen almonds is around 85 calories and will stave off my hunger and give me loads of good protein, calcium, vitamin E, magnesium, and lots of other good stuff too!  It’s a choice I never regret, and to make sure I’m not ruining a good thing by overdoing it, I always count those almonds and log those calories. 

More to come. Happy Friday!

 

Quick Update

TWO POINT TWO POUNDS TO GO until I hit my ultimate (revised) goal weight.

Feels like Christmas Eve!

Ode to the Apple (–not the Steve Jobs kind, although I love those too!)

I adore apples.  I eat (at least) one a day, and have for a very long time. Sweet, tart, crunchy, juicy, saucy.  Something so satisfyingly sweet that actually helps regulate blood sugar?  Yes, please!  Antioxidants.  Cancer-fighting.  Asthma-fighting.  DELICIOUS.  The list goes on.

My commitment to the apple is so strong, in fact, that it trumps one of my other proud commitments.  I’m committed to eating locally grown and produced foods as much as possible.  In terms of apple eating, this means that in autumn, I can enjoy many, many heirloom and standard varieties of local Wisconsin apples.  But the rest of the year I can’t.  So, I admit to you this: I buy apples from far away places like New Zealand in order to fill my (at least) one apple a day quota.  I’m a bit ashamed of the impact this has on my overall carbon footprint, but, there you have it.

My other apple commitment is that I always buy & consume organic apples (certified or not).  There was a time that Mr. Hubby and I ate almost exclusively organic on all produce, but budget constraints have left us needing to be a bit more choosy about where to spend the money on organics.  Apples are a no-brainer.  (We basically follow the dirty dozen for fruits and veggies, and add to that other things like dairy products.)

Now that I’ve integrated canning & preserving food into my life, I have a great way to enjoy local apples throughout the year.  The problem is, I’m not crazy about canned apples.  But I could slather apple butter on just about anything.  And, sure, all that sugar basically backs out the health benefits of the apple, but, shut up, my roots are 100% Mennonite–my blood is basically made of apple butter.

So, last weekend, Lanny and I went to a fabulous orchard, less than 15 miles from the center of Madison, to pick oodles of apples for apple butter (and some for eating fresh, of course!).   It was an absolutely perfect fall day: crisp, breezy, sunny.

We came out of the orchard with almost 15 lbs of apples– Mcintosh and Ida Red for the apple butter; Cortlands for eating fresh.

Making the apple butter was satisfying, fairly easy, and totally worth the time.  The product is fantastic- sweet, appley, and well-spiced.  And, we had enough apples left over to make a round of Cran-Apple jam. So.  Apples.  I love them.  And you should too!  The next time you need a snack, reach for one.

 

Declaration of Confidence

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that I have lost 125 pounds, that I am endowed by my ancestors with certain strong-willed qualities, that among those are Stubbornness, Unacceptance of Defeat and the Pursuit of Happiness.

I, therefore, the Representative of my Own Happiness, do, in the Name, and by Authority of my own Destiny, solemnly publish and declare, That my Self Image is, and of Right ought to be Positive, and that all connection between my Thoughts and Self-Deprecation, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that I am Free of Negativity, I have full Power to conclude Peace, establish my Life, and to do all other Acts and Things which Confident Women may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of My Self Esteem, I pledge to myself Life, Fortune, and sacred Honor. 

So suck on that, negative body image.

Frugal Fall 2

Mr. Hubby and I took advantage of the last of sunny summer vegetables this weekend.  We froze another batch of sweet corn and canned a full load (7 quarts!) of tomatoes.

2011 Tomatoes, raw-packed in their own juice!

I’ve learned so much since I began canning last year.  Preservation.  Planning ahead.  Connection to my ancestors.  Connection to the farm.  Connection to my food.  Stretching the dollar.  The seasonality of food.

I have to admit that even after about a dozen go arounds, canning still scares me and stresses me out.  There are so many darn steps, so many things to remember, so much that can go wrong.  And the whole thing is just so much less convenient than grabbing something off of the shelf at the grocery store.  I stress and complain and get snappy.  And then once the process is complete and I store away those beautiful jars of food, I forget why I ever worried.  When there’s 3 feet of snow piled up as far as the eye can see, and I pop open a quart of tomatoes grown a few miles from my house by those lovely farmers (whose hands I shook several months back) to make my Grandma’s lentil stew, I know in the deepest part of my soul that it was worth all that stress.

Canning truly incorporates all of the goals of Frugal Fall.

This year in food preservation (so far):

• Pickled Asparagus
• Dilly Beans
• Frozen Sweet Corn
• Quartered tomatoes, packed in their own juice!

Sadly, we didn’t can any strawberry jam this spring.  One of the many simple pleasures my Grandma Geneva Swartzentruber was known to have perfected was Strawberry Jam.  It’s one of my absolute most cherished treats.  Nothing compares to that sweet, bright red nectar of springtime.  Spread on hearty whole grain toast or plopped into greek yogurt (or, let’s be honest–better yet–vanilla ice cream!), it hits all the right places in my mouth and heart.  This year’s strawberry season in my neck of the woods was extremely short.  It usually lasts less than a month here, but this year, I swear it was 2 weeks.  And I missed it.  Because a major component of this food preservation kick I’m on is to store up local food, we just won’t have strawberry jam this year.  We still have a couple of jars left from 2010, and believe me, we will savor every last drop of those.  Another lesson learned: stretching the budget (whether it be of jam or financial nature!). 

So because I just couldn’t bring myself to make any other jam (I considered other berries, peaches and pears), I’ll be trying my hand at apple butter this year.  So that’ll be the next (and probably the last) canning project of this year. 

Stay tuned for the first FF/FF (Frugal Friend/Family Feature) coming this month!  And by all means, if you’ve also caught the canning & preserving bug, let’s share recipes, resources, tricks and stories!